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Again and again.
Taking time off just to accompany you and do your stuff and make you feel like the end of the work week had a fruitful closure. I could never fully be a relaxed state throughout the night, even while watching the movie I kept worrying about the project deadlines and finals and every freaking Damn thing school is throwing at me. I honestly am super weary and running on fumes. But if running on fumes was necessary to make your day and week better, seeing you just relaxing and enjoying the night. I guess it was worth it. Well, I guess I just have to sacrifice my sleep to repay back the time. I really needed to do it today. The pressure is really crushing me and I just wanted to be in a situation where my blood isn't rushing to my head. I just wanted my mind to be blank. Yea it was probably more important to me than you ever thought it was. I was really upset, really fuming deep inside for no apparent logical reason. For someone logical, to be this irrational makes me irk myself.

Right now I'm transcending between the point of just praying the days go by in a blur, just take me out of this misery. I'm truly exhausted, but I can't show it. No no I can't indeed. Time to get back to work. Wasted enough time typing this entirely pointless blog post. The only hint of comfort it gives is letting me pen it all down. There goes the frustration, hello tiredness...

Helpless

Tonight was one of the toughest night of my life to get through. Hands down.

As I lie reading your post about your dad, honestly it didn't really get to me at that very moment. But as I read it once through again and now for the third time right before I am typing this post at 2.03am after saying goodnight to you while you sleepaway (hope you are soundly asleep) , waves of helplessness comes crashing down. It's impossible to say I can even remotely understand what you are going through or even went through the past 21 years of your life. In fact, I wouldn't say it because I simply didn't live such a life. The pain and anguish and hope that I feel in multifold would most likely still pale in comparison to how you are feeling. It pains me to no ends when you ask if I wanted to see your dad's photo, a part of me wanted to and the other didn't, not that I don't want to, but I saw through the desperation in your eyes to glimpse a look at the man who left when you were 3. To see the woman I love with my entire heart being like that rips me apart inside.

I honestly have no clue why your daddy left, and I know for far too long have you tried to suppress your feelings. Tonight was also the night I saw all your brothers in a different light, from a guy's point of view, having your daddy pull the plug in your life is such a crippling effect. A daughter needs her daddy, but so much more does a son. A son looks up to his daddy as his hero, afterall his hands were the ones who steered him the right direction growing up. How can a boy pass through into adulthood normally without his dad, the entire initiation to manhood is simply lost.

God the Father is indeed the perfect one, and all I ask is for Him to grant you a chance to reunite with your dad, the last I hope for is for our kids in future to hear from their mummy that she can't remember how her daddy looks like. No. I pray for the mercy that our child and their mum doesn't have to have that conversation. But in the meantime, all I can do Is my part to bridge you and my parents together, that in my dad can you call as your dad, that my father would see you more than just a future daughter in law but his daughter.

To my sweet sweet princess, I am always here beside you.

Drowning

I feel like im drowning in work. God its really tough to keep up this level of work and performing well. Its never easy when i put in so much time and effort just to get back a grade that is just terrible. Learning contentment has never been so difficult before.

I need You Lord

I guess the title sums it up.
I really need you Lord.
Let not a day pass by where I believe foolishly I can get by without You.
Deadlines and pressures and what not.
Relationship problems and school worries.
Lord I need you more, more than I care to show.
At the end of the day, it's still You I run to.
I pray for wisdom, that You show me a way out of all these. That You take these lessons to mould me.

Rant

Sooo I guess this blog shall be my new ranting space.

Been reading up on this module's article on innovation and boy oh boy I don't have a single clue on how to get started. Felt like I wasted time on a mind numbing activity. Pooof... 

I pray and pray that inspiration will come like a wrecking ball and smash into my thoughts. So desperately need one now. Hahahahahaha can't wait to goo and a long road trip with my darling to some random farm or fruit yard and Just Nua our time away idyllically. Lalala in a few weeks... But for now.... Pooof...  Back to innovation yo.

Perspective

On to the same subject that we have been having countless argues on, and it had led to this. You said how you were afraid that if this stopped, so would our relationship. Those were the words that pierced the deepest, wound the hardest. I just wanted to use such intimate moments with you to make up for the hours upon hours I'm away in school. But you chose to view the matter in your own way, which is fine. So well I don't even know why am I typing this out while you lay in bed sleeping soundly.

Start of something new

So week 1 of school just ended .

What an absolutely tiring week it has been, rushing from one class to the next, trying to assimilate into the whole culture and environment.

I don't want to just settle and score mediocre grades. I will get there because I must.

But BAM!

Fears again start creeping in, that I'm not good enough. But no! I refuse to play into these fears. It all starts with a vision:

I will become who I know I will be. With God.

Midnight lightbulb

Always give. Give with a big heart. Never expect or hope for anything in return. The moment we start expecting, we always end up disappointed because the other person usually falls short. So give, give till there's nothing left to give, it's the lest one ought to demand from oneself.

The lion, the bear and the Unicorn

So this is how the story goes.....

In the final saga of this wonderful land, where the animals would talk to the humans; and a great lion leads them all to love, in faith and in courage.

In the last chapter of this great story, all of the lion's enemies have swept away his followers except for two, the bear and the Unicorn. They are trapped in a cave with the lion.

And because the entrance to this cave is narrow, the wave after wave of soldiers that the evil king sends in to try and kill them can't do it. The lion, the bear and the Unicorn, they fight them off.

So finally, the king sends in a messenger. He says, " look, the one that we really want, is the lion" "give him up and the rest of you will live, Ahh the Unicorn, we're going to cut his horn off, make him pull a cart for the rest of his life. The bear, we're going to put in chains and shackles, make him dance in the circus, but both of you will live, all you have to do is give up that lion".

Finally,  the lion looks at his friends with that look in his eyes, "what are you going to do??" And the bear and the Unicorn;they just smile.

And they say, " of all the deaths that we could have died, this right here is the one we would have chosen".

But the bear, and the lion and the Unicorn, they weren't looking for an easy road.

Jesus didn't when he accepted the cross, He didn't choose an easy death. So it's time to make a choice too. Never giving up on that lion.

Tipping point

A truth that humanity denies vehemently: we can change our dna traits.

Everything I thought special about myself, can be found somewhere in someone else in my bloodline. Who I am, how I think, what I feel, how I feel, my characteristics and my inborn nature to behave a certain way - it's all passed down.

Today I felt as though I relived that fateful night 6 years ago. For 6 years this has remained an unspoken secret. I never could forget about it, try as I might to push it beyond my thoughts.

The tipping point -  would the truth be too much of a cost to bear?

Thoughts

It's starting to get depressing when I see friends go overseas with their girlfriend. I'm caught in between. One half of me knows that being a christian means not doing certain things until the right time. That includes going overseas alone with your partner. It's definitely good and all, but all that waiting is frustrating.

The other me just wants to be like every other couple out there. Going overseas together doesn't mean something will happen. Why is it that the church and as Christians we seemingly HAVE TO play by these guidelines. As if God will say such a relationship is more holy than the non Christians.

I deliberate between unfollowing those friends on instagram, and to like their photos to be happy for them. It honestly sucks to see such lovey dovey photos, them enjoying time together before the woes of school kicks in. This small window of zero worries about schoolwork is so precious. Yet here I am, each day passing by with the window closing in. Worst 9 months break. Rather school just started in January, so many months but nothing out of it. Is it too much to ask for? I love you God, but some days I just find all these christian scrutiny plain ridiculous.

So God, any words you want to whisper into my heart?

25th June 2014

It's quite annoying when I scroll through instagram and see photos of friends going on staycation, short getaway holidays, spending couple time together. Most of them just started dating not too long as well.

And then there's us. Unable to post a photo of us together, unable to go overseas together, stuck in Singapore. The talk yesterday wasn't supposed to happen. I hate paydays, it always remind me of this shackles I'm in. Ahhh stupid weather's not helping either. The rain should have come at night.

Midweek rant.

16th June 2014

Rather be.

I rather get knocked down by a car, hit by a falling Claypot, cut by a knife, slashed by a bear, punched in the face all at once than to feel this dagger plunged into my heart that can't seem to be removed.

It's been a really long time since I know how much ache my heart could take. Your words cut right in. Hearing you say the possibility of you suppressing your feelings and eventually having none at all left really stabbed me good.

So it's true I guess, no matter how much 2 are in love with each other, given enough time, they grow distance. Strangers again. High time I woke up from this "truth".

But after all of that, I still choose you. No meeting up even though I badly want to, looks like nightly calls would be something I deeply cherish from now onwards. Even if I'm exhausted from studies, still bearing this excitement of hearing your voice each night to make my day better.

If this is the best way I could protect and love you, so be it. I am willing.

14th June 2014

1 or 2. Each has its merits. A year from now I doubt I will barely remember what's keeping me on this page at this time in such an exhausted state.

Sleep. Sleep is the best reward.

Epiphany

Can't really explain why or how or when it dawned upon me. But when events in my life or things that seemingly affect me a lot are put into a longer time period, they seem like such small matters all of a sudden. In 50 years time, I will hardly remember what I got so anxious/angry/worried/scared about at the present moment. Not exactly sure if it's good or bad yet, but somehow just have a nagging feeling I will be less excited about events in my life. Mehh.. One day at a time. (:

13th April 2014

Psalm 13
So this is what it feels like. I feel like the greatest sinner, in my willful sin I hurt your daughter. But yet in my sorrow You forgave me. Don't turn Your face away from me O Lord, I can't bear this distance from Your presence. I will rejoice in You all my days. My soul shall bless Your name!

Consuming fire, fan into flames. A passion for Your name. Spirit of God, would you fall in my life, Lord have Your way with me.

11th April 2014

It was a good day today (:
Finally had the chance to meet up and catch up with my group of friends that have been so wonderful to me. I was simply elated just to see how our ties of friendship finally withstood a year's test of hardship, with the group breaking up into factions and slanders flying about. Today we were united again and just that made me treasure all of them so much more. Today was also Ken Xie's birthday. It was indeed awkward but heartening to be invited to the bbq. Just happy the cupcakes came out well.

The best part of the day was just a simple stroll riddled with mosquitoes with my favourite girl. The talk was painful and tough. I wanted nothing more than her smile. I want to be the reason for her laughter and smiles each day. It may have seem like I got thrown back many steps, but I'll just slowly work my way forward again, not repeating the err and learning to love her the right way.

My joy

Lord you are my joy. Even when things in my life seem to go so out of control, still I know you have me in your hands. Teach me to let go, and to let You take control. I am utterly spent. Lord I don't want to come into your sanctuary with a fake smile and a heavy heart and smile and have cheerful conversations with people when my heart is buried in sorrow. You alone see the tears in the dark and only You can lift up my spirits. Lord why! Why me, why choose me to go through this, why can't I be happy like everyone else around me, why can't You just give me a break in my life for once. I really need a break. Lord why is it that I have to scale mountains in my life for everything little thing, before I get to be happy.

But Lord, I know You don't owe me an answer no matter how much I plead for one. I ask only now that You give me the strength to do this. I surrender it all to You. I can't do this myself. Give me peace.

30th April 2014

Future Daniel to current Daniel

Stop beating yourself up. It doesn't help.
Stop these negative thoughts. It doesn't help.
Stop being indecisive. You agreed to this wait. SO WAIT QUIETLY!
Stop reminiscing about the past wonderful moments together. Move on! The memories are supposed to stay happy and remain right where they are.
Stop worrying and fearing what may or may not happen. You are NOT GOD! just wait patiently.

Dos
Do love God even more
Do love your family even more
Do love peilin even more. She deserves to be treated well.
Do focus on your studies. It's going to be an uphill fight. You need to concentrate.
Do live each day happily with a smile. You owe it to yourself.
Do wake up your ideas and fantasies. It will kill you!
Do wait. It will drain every bit of faith and energy in you. But at the end, you will be glad you did.

26th April 2014

As I stepped out of San Churro tonight, I saw the most amazing thing for a very long time. A mid-40 year old man with a cardboard sign that said " I was an addict, but Jesus saved me".

I had such a huge urge to just go up and hug him, to let him know that he taught me something so valuable. A lifetime of sermons is incomparable to a moment of obedience to God. Nothing is ever the same. He stood along a road in North bridge, amidst clubs blaring music and drunk people, with cops patrolling the streets.

This guy had a purpose. It was soo laser focused. He came back to the very same place that once chained him with drugs. That he might be a difference now and offer the greatest invite to whoever was still in bondage to receive Jesus in their life.

He taught me love, patience and an indomitable spirit, to bear the stares that passerby are giving him, the sneers and jeers. BECAUSE he saw the bigger picture, that for God's glory, it is all worth it. He understood the fact that whatever he was facing was a fraction of what Jesus went through to save us eternally.

I felt so ashamed, so upset at myself. What's stopping me from being like this man?? It's a spiritual warfare going on!! Christianity isn't just an individual fight, it's God's army against the Devil's! And how quick it is in our church to forget that, that we only choose to see the easy, non violence part of it all. God battled for our souls, it's war! Not playtime. I guess it's time to suit up and acknowledge the battles ahead.

I choose to be braver. So God help me.

19th April 2014

It's Easter Holiday! Each year on Easter, I am reminded of the amazing love of Christ. I'm still blown away by how much the God of the universe cares for me enough, to know that I am powerless to come before Him in my own strength. He recognised that, and so He came in the form of a man to reconcile me back, to do what I can never do. I was once destined for the flames of Hell, but He won't have it that way. All my past present future sins are akin to a foul smelling dark substance that Jesus took upon himself, that He faced the full wrath of His Father, being separated from God for the very first time in the whole of existence. With the words "it is done". I am redeemed.

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, so far as he removed our transgressions from us.

Isaiah 1:18
Though my sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Deeply loved. Abounding joy. (:

18th April 2014

I feel like a complete fool for trying my best to protect you even when I can't be with you.

You took my trust, worry and concern and wrapped it up and threw it out of your mind in exchange for what felt the best and right at that moment for you.

Sorry but I really need time to start all over again to have faith in you.

5th April 2014

Once again I find myself before you O Lord. Today was not an easy day to pass, I sinned against my brother, I let anger consumed me today. The day didn't get any easier, everything seems set against me today and I can't wait for the day to just end already. Tried to escape by sleeping, but still You called me. All I heard was "here is love".

3rd April 2014

The fool didn't know it was impossible
So he did it

It has been such a long time since anything hit me that hard and made me give it so much thought. How clouded I realised I became when I started to grow older, as I turned 21, life seems to tell me to bear more responsibilities and duties.  I no longer have the same carefree outlook on life. Faced with the impending reality of university looming in a few short months, I was so caught up with thoughts like "wow, how am I going to excel in this place" and "it seems like such an uphill task to get a second upper class honours, let alone first class". Unknowingly, I placed so much limitations on myself.

This phrase shed light unto my life and showed me that everything is possible! I just have to lean on God and have a faith like a child. Not to say that I become a fool, but to deal with what's coming up ahead with the confidence of a fool. (:

30th March 2014

Entering day 14. Not much to say, I just wish school starts sooner, to distract me from counting the days. I wish school ends quicker, that I may provide for us. I wish I can safely say God's timing is best.

25th March 2014

Overwhelmed. So much to do, so much expectations. How I long to take a flight to Canada and hike alone for a few days. No communications, just me time to find God in the wild. How I wish I could do that right now. But I choose to stay and push on. Find any excuse to win, it pays to be a winner. So let's go.

23rd March 2014

Yay! So excited for church tomorrow. Even though it's a new community, but God remains the same! A time for worship and praise with other brothers and sisters in Christ. Looking forward with an expectant heart!

My princess, i miss you, and I'm so thankful that you shared your "worry" about Shannon with me. Though you say time after time that I don't need to reassure you, But! A little effort goes a long way. (: i love you. So rest easy my love. Can't really take a selfie with you. But let's make so with photo collage. Haha here's number 1/52.(:

(:

You. You brightened my day. Even when I'm dead beat, your laughter your smile is enough to make me lively again. I count my blessings to be able to not cross the line, yet still take care and look out for you. It's not easy when I want to hug you so badly. It pains me to see you rest your head on the chair rather than my shoulders. How you had to force yourself to move your head to shy away from my hand placed on your chair. Yes I do notice the little things. Today when I learnt that Kristine asked whether we are together. I'm lost for words on how to say it. So I ended up telling her don't so kay poh. How I wished I could tell her confidently " yes Peilin is my girl". It's not easy, but I cherish every amount of time I get to see you, even just for 5 minutes. I secretly thank God for this event, that gives me just that few extra days to hear your voice. Just 363 more days. Wait for me.

Special day.

Died. Came to life again. Turned 0 and 21 in a span of 6 hours. GOD IS SO AMAZING! As deep calls to deep, may I always yearn to seek your voice and your presence. That's a wrap! Too little zzz-time. Shall leave it till later!

You can never have your cake and eat it too

Today was by far the best date ever with you. Maybe it's because counting down to the hours we have left together makes each step I take with you all the more precious. A surprise foot massage, our "must order" soft shell crab for lunch, to walking the supermarket one last time before catching an uplifting movie. - end of first half of the day. If I died, that would be all I could ever ask for. You went all the way, gathering my friends from different communities to celebrate with me. I am so thankful to God for someone like you. My guardian angel. You made me see what true love is like, what sacrifice is through the cake you baked. You showed me what it means to go the extra mile, to walk in tandem with me. To put me first, to hold me like it will always last. I am overwhelmed by your love, and I truly wish that we didn't need to part, how can I after what you done for me today. To slip back into apparent "singlehood" . To tell others I'm in a relationship, but I'm not allowed to be by her side. How do I tell others, without telling them outright that "hey! This is peilin, my girlfriend". It's akin to the feeling of wanting to scream but no sound seems to come out. All I can do now Is to wait. To smile weakly at people and say I'm okay, when it's killing me inside.. I really hate to do this.. Every single time something good happens in my life, I get frightened, because I know something will surely be snatched away from me. This time round, it happens to be you. You were that "good" which happened to me, but now being torn apart from me. Sometimes all I ask from God is a break. Can I for once in my life have my cake and eat it as well. But I guess fate wouldn't have it that way. It's 2.30am now. Maybe I'm just tired.

Peilin

I choose you. Now and for everyday of my life. Period. <3

2 Peas in a Pod

11 March 2014

Some people might think it's crazy or "you are only in the honeymoon" phase, if I told them I went to fetch you from work and left home at 8.30pm. It's just not logical! But who says love is logical? It's true about what the maxim says (love makes one go blind). You didn't, you just made me see that much clearer who I choose to spend the rest of my life with. The bus ride home was a little different today, it felt so pure and simple. The simple things in this relationship such as walking you home (my all time favourite) and growing fat with you eating prata at ungodly hours make me think that God definitely didn't plan for humans to live individual and isolated lives. I thank God each day for you, for being around, doing the little things such as texting me good morning each day without fail. I honestly don't feel like I deserve such abundance of love, but I want to be selfish for once, and just be caught up in it. I thank God for loving you so immensely, that you love Him back with all your heart, that each of us be a reflector of His amazing love and slowly reflect it back on one another. Onlookers on the outside might see us as incompatible. But hey! They simply need to look a little closer to see that, we are 2 Peas in a Pod. (:

The Hold

9 March 2014

 7 years since i last blogged, because i never seemed to need it after awhile. The reason why i started this blog is because of you. Last night when i possibly walked you home from West Mall, many thoughts were flooding my mind. The idea of holding our relationship for a year was scary indeed for me in so many ways. For the first time, i found someone whom i love and who loved me in a way that i can only be thankful to God for. You don't need to be perfect for me, to have to love what i love, to meet me intellectually nor in the topics i liked to talk about. People may feel that we are not compatible due to the many differences in our upbringing and family culture. The crazy thing was that i never imagined myself to fall so crazily in love with someone like you! I never believed in the saying that when you meet your soulmate, you have found your other half. I rather think that we were 2 individuals who found one another and chose to stick by each other's side! I was torn between the decision to agree to the holding period or to just disregard it totally. However, just like you, i wanted everyone's full blessings when we openly get together, and not wanting you to ever feel that people are frowning upon our relationship. This 1 year is going to be such a tough ordeal, but somehow with the end in mind, i think its so important. I look forward to the day that we can be united as one again, to be able to hold you in my arms, to cry in front of you, to pour out everything that happened in my day with you, to share my life with you. It is so scary to have to enter SMU without you physically by my side to tell me i can do it! so scary to hear from you one day that God says no ( i pray that day never comes!!). There will definitely be things i would miss doing, such as walking you home, waiting for you to end work to take 174 home, to have you lie on my shoulder and fall asleep, to grocery shopping with you, to going to the playground and chat with you, to playing with girl girl and boy boy with you. But i know that this walk with God needs to be done alone. Just like in the story i told you once about a christian book " wild at heart". I need to slay my "dragons" alone, to face life's challenges with God alone, before i get to my princess. I vow to take this 1 year to grow and mature even more, to be moulded by God to be the right person for you. Im looking forward to 365 days from now. (: with you.