Helpless

Tonight was one of the toughest night of my life to get through. Hands down.

As I lie reading your post about your dad, honestly it didn't really get to me at that very moment. But as I read it once through again and now for the third time right before I am typing this post at 2.03am after saying goodnight to you while you sleepaway (hope you are soundly asleep) , waves of helplessness comes crashing down. It's impossible to say I can even remotely understand what you are going through or even went through the past 21 years of your life. In fact, I wouldn't say it because I simply didn't live such a life. The pain and anguish and hope that I feel in multifold would most likely still pale in comparison to how you are feeling. It pains me to no ends when you ask if I wanted to see your dad's photo, a part of me wanted to and the other didn't, not that I don't want to, but I saw through the desperation in your eyes to glimpse a look at the man who left when you were 3. To see the woman I love with my entire heart being like that rips me apart inside.

I honestly have no clue why your daddy left, and I know for far too long have you tried to suppress your feelings. Tonight was also the night I saw all your brothers in a different light, from a guy's point of view, having your daddy pull the plug in your life is such a crippling effect. A daughter needs her daddy, but so much more does a son. A son looks up to his daddy as his hero, afterall his hands were the ones who steered him the right direction growing up. How can a boy pass through into adulthood normally without his dad, the entire initiation to manhood is simply lost.

God the Father is indeed the perfect one, and all I ask is for Him to grant you a chance to reunite with your dad, the last I hope for is for our kids in future to hear from their mummy that she can't remember how her daddy looks like. No. I pray for the mercy that our child and their mum doesn't have to have that conversation. But in the meantime, all I can do Is my part to bridge you and my parents together, that in my dad can you call as your dad, that my father would see you more than just a future daughter in law but his daughter.

To my sweet sweet princess, I am always here beside you.