Lord today at lifegroup we shared on how distance and the lack of intimacy we have with You. I'm sorry that I have pushed You aside for so long. I struggled with being transparent and mutual submission to You. There were areas in my heart and mind that You know are what I am thinking of but the words that pour forth from my mouth are those of another.
Lord today I had a quarrel of sort.
Proverbs 17:14, 19 NLT
Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out. Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who trusts in high walls invites disaster.
It really felt like a floodgate, all the unspoken words and sense of inferiority and all that ugly stuff came pouring out, doing nothing but hurting her. I built up these high walls unknowingly, deceiving myself that I am alright, I'll be able to handle it. I can manage somehow. But it appears to be false.
Proverbs 17:22 NLT
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.
Your word is true indeed. As I meditated on this verse, indeed my spirit is broken, by worldly things such as comparison of wealth and money and money. It saps all of my strength, I am weak, I am utterly spent. I have no more words left to say. I could have just swallowed it up and feel even more emasculated. But i have none left in the tank. A simple bonus, by Your grace was at the expense of my emotional and mental strength. I ended up finding fault in the huge amount of money and am so bitter. Why Is it that I get nothing, just waiting each month on a meagre petty 1200 that drains out as quickly as It comes in. No providence God!!! My bank account is being emptied seriously. Can You give me a sign?
Lord, honestly I am dead clueless. How else am I going to match up. I see no solutions at all. I am so broke, so poor, so empty. I cry out to You God. Lift me up and show me a way. Provide a way out for me. Faith says I should trust in your timing and your providence. I really am trying God..
Lord this is as transparent as I can ever get. I am throughly spent. Hope to hear from You God.
Love
Your son
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