Why my soul are you so downcast? Do you not trust the Lord is Your Provider? Taste and see His goodness!

3th February 2016

Wow, only looking back have i realised how long it has been since i last posted an entry.. almost a year =/

So i guess this could be the one platform that i really could bare it all (:

For some reason today was simply a really terrible day. Went to sleep last night with 1 group mate pulling out and only for another to pull out 1 hour before the start of lesson. The weight and knowledge of it all just came crashing down like a castle of sand. Unknowingly, the pressure to succeed just seem to explode so much more than ever and overwhelm me. It really feels like I'm drowning? i know in a year's time as i look back and read this again i most probably would have totally forgotten the feeling. But just for good measure, here i am documenting it!

The weight of it all (internships applications that are not responding, GPA, time for myself, school work piling up) is just so overwhelming. I feel like a circus clown juggling all these and wonder how others can do so well and make it look manageable. This season of my life seems to be a valley that has no light in sight. On and on i plough, only for my harvest to return empty to nought.

Although i must admit this indeed feels so much the work of the devil. The unrelenting torrent of unfortunate events and trip ups seem to have his name carved on them all. In this midst i find myself closer to God than ever? i think. I have never been one to like reading my bible, and really just found it a chore at times. Guilty i must plead as i never seem to have this trouble with books. I wonder why.. when its the Word of the Lord that breathes life into my life like no other books in the world can do.

I must really thank this X-treme workout bible reading plan! Thus far i'm happy to announce that i have been diligently reading and seeking the Word. Maybe one reason i don't read it that much is a crazy theory. My theory is that.. if i draw close to God, so the devil will knock on my doors and rain trouble in my life. So consciously i believed that by avoiding God and seeking Him only in real need and on Saturdays, i get to keep trouble at bay.

Though this season of my life seemingly reflects this trend, i choose to reject it. My soul seems to be torn in two. This time, like every other time, i find myself asking the same question : Daniel, do you not trust that the Lord, your Saviour knows best and will provide enough for you? Do you not trust in His timing?

Trust. The one biggest issue i had with God. Timing. Equally linked to the first. Maybe my university journey has never been as smooth as i would have liked it to be. But this time, i have come to a realisation. God can only work in true surrender.

I surrender to Your Will LORD. i acknowledge that i do not know the things and the reasons for why things are happening in my life as such now. I acknowledge that i may never know ever and i am okay with it. I trust You. I know that You will provide, You have my best interest at heart and You are calling me back to You. So God, here i am. Take me. I hand my soul and open my heart to You.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew

23 March 2015 

23+3+15: 41 

Sg bday: 50 

Total: 91 (age of passing)

Maybe it's just pure coincidence, but what Mr lee has done for singapore was by no means a coincidence. As a Generation Y member, I was borned into a singapore that had the makings of a first world country. 22 years of my life I took it all for granted at times. Simply because I never had to go through the hardship of war, nor merger and separation of my country, nor anything else that mr lee faced. I was an ingrate like most other Singaporeans. He left an indelible mark in my life as I read up on his policies and life. His frugal nature coupled with tenacious spirit propelled singapore to where she is today. To the uninformed, we often accuse the Lee dynasty of hoarding positions and wealth. We ask ourselves how could it be, amidst all the talk about a meritocratic state. It was only in the last couple of days that Singaporeans realised what Mr Lee had actually done. He accepted no high salary, for he sees no value in the things temporal. He justified the high salaries of ministers, that ever a time come where they were found guilty of corruption, he would come down hard on them. But for himself, he only concerned himself with the well-being of singapore. Furnitures as old as six decades, with his same navy blue jacket patched up in various places over the years, I learnt frugality in life. 

I never expect myself to cry so badly over the death of someone I am hardly related to, let alone meeting him in person. But I found myself breaking down as I walked past his lifeless body in the state of rest inside of the Parliament House. Just feets away was the Man whom I could never thank enough for. I pinned his loss so greatly that I could not bear to bring myself to watch his youngest son Lee Hsein Yang addressed him as Papa on national TV. Today the heavens opened and the skies cried an ocean for him. I took a bow in the seclusion of my room as the siren rung out, marking a minute of silence, and gave thanks to you who gave it all for our future. For my offsprings that would never get a chance to meet you, I salute you in their stead sir. May you find rest in God, and though I am unsure if you believed in Jesus, I pray God gave you one more chance that you may reunite with the love of your life. Singapore owed your family too much. Rest in Peace Mr Lee Kuan Yew. You deserved all the highest accolades and honor. If not you, who else. It is time to dry my tears and cease my mourning for your passing. 

Majulah Singapura 

Spiritual journal entry 9

So it's been awhile since I posted an entry. 

It's been tough to juggle so many things in my life and today God just spoke and said that " put me in the center of it all". Surprisingly it coincides with the sermon of who is in charge of my life. 

Though I have not read any bible verses for today, God spoke in a very different manner. He led me to buy takeaway lunch at Waterloo and a pineapple slice. Soo when I was having my lunch, there sitting opposite of me was an old uncle cleaner that just looked exhausted. Throughout my meal, I just had this prompting to offer my pineapple to him. But alas I was too scared and didn't. But God did not stop there and instead led my eyes to the vending machine to buy a coffee for him. And that's what I did (: the look of happiness on his face was just so worth it to listen to God. 

Spiritual journal entry 8

Colossians 3:14-15 NLT

[14] Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. [15] And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Above all, clothe yourself in love. Today's word is so much harder to keep and apply. How is it possible to love everyone? Like really not to show any form of discrimination or disdaint. It used to be such a conflicting thought within me. Does it mean that I should be nice to everyone or... 

However Holy Spirit had revealed in my heart that this wasn't what Apostle Paul was referring to, clothing myself in love simply meant to see people through God's untainted lens. To see that everyone is a precious child of God, to see the potential that is within them to do awesome works for Christ. 

And when it comes to peace, how I long and desire for the inner peace that transcend all understanding. God help me and show me that You are indeed with me. 

Spiritual Journal Entry 7

Today is a new day that the Lord has made, and i will rejoice in it.

Nowhere in the verse did it ever mention that the day will bound to be all sunshine and rainbows. So if the day started bad and progressively get worse, is it really ours to blame God for it? NO.

But God has promised that through it all, He will be with us. His presence will go before us and will walk beside us. I gathered that life is really a journey. Yes you may think how come it took me such a long time to arrive at this conclusion. But hey at least i did! Back to the journey. It is a series of winding turns and uphills and downhills. Sometimes the road heads upwards and next comes a seemingly endless long stretch of downhill road.

I am currently stuck somewhere in that downhill road. It never gets easier with each step i take. God said His words are a lamp unto my feet. Illuminating only a few steps ahead of me, but never the full stretch.

Thus, i arrived at my answer. Obedience

In the past, when i was a "infant" christian, obedience came second nature. It was so easy to obey God and trust in Him, when majority of my life is still cushioned in one way or another. However as i grew older and progressed, these cushions were increasingly stripped away.

There lies the gravel.

My feet bruised and bled. Even as i just dropped my module and appear crazy to majority of the people around me, i felt it was the right thing to do. Although i didn't really consult God and am now regretting not discussing it with Him first. Thus the bleeding.

But despite all these, God promise that He will be with me, and isn't that enough guarantee for my life? If the God of the universe and all creation is for me, who indeed can stand against me? I may never know His plans nor foresee any of it. My ways and my thoughts are most definitely not higher than His. But that's where the beauty lies. Obedience. The faith to obey when the odds are stacked against me. The faith to obey in His words, knowing He has a plan and His timing is perfect. Too long have i held dear the idea that my timing is perfect and if things don't go according to plan its anarchy, but in all of my mess now, God is working.

One day, i will see the fruits of His works.

Spiritual Journal Entry 6

2 Feb 2015. This day has started out pretty tiring for me. No particular reason, but i just felt empty in my spirit. I was immediately caught up in the squabbling of my birthday group mates that are both older than me, leaving me in a very tight situation as i needed to navigate this discussion the right direction to not let either of them feel hurt or unappreciated. As the words flew back and forth, the more helpless i felt and i really ask God for direction and his wisdom. Although it has finally been settled, i came out of that group conversation feeling more exhausted than ever. However, there was simply no time to stop and ponder. 

Finally now with this short duration of time in the library, i really felt in my spirit to pause and am so amazed how much i yearn to speak to God and just read his word. Even in solitary eating, i found myself conversing with God so much more, so eager to pour forth all my troubles unto Him, because i somehow already know in my spirit that God wants to and desires to share my day with me. As i spend my quiet time in the library and read 1 Corinthians 2, verse 9. It spoke of what no eye nor ear has seen or heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things that God has prepared for those who love him. verse 10 continued with saying that the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

I felt so relieved, as if a huge unease leaving me. Indeed i was partially affected by my grades today. Receiving a B was really just so hard to accept again God. I honestly did try and put in my best, but it seems that my best is always not close to what the world wants of me. God i did indeed feel very frustrated and angry. I asked myself time after time, why did You have to put me through this test?? Its not even fun anymore when i see my peers climbing the social ladder in school, assuming roles of importance. I know that chasing after these things are not my priorities, but even so, with the minimum that i am coping with, i seem to again fall short. God i really want to hear from You, i crave your peace that surpasses all understanding, especially in this tough time that i am again subjected to. 

Spiritual Journal Entry 5

John 4: 1-26

This is the story of Jesus and the samaritan woman by the well of Jacob. At first glance as i was reading through this story, i was just so focused on the fact that the woman like every other normal functioning person immediately asked Jesus to give her the "water" that she might never be thirsty again. I recognised that isn't this how it is with me as well? All too often all i ask from my Heavenly Father is that He just shows up in my times of need and in this case, provide me with the living water.
But praise God, for He revealed in my spirit that it isn't simply the case. What Jesus promised to the Samaritan woman was far more precious and important than water, our most basic and primal needs. He promised us salvation, in the hope of Jesus. The living water Jesus spoke of is freely given, demanding nothing back. What a beautiful sacrifice indeed. As i pondered and am typing this, i really yearn to grow so intimate with God. I know that this shouldn't just be for a particular season of my life, but right now, i really could understand the importance and significance of holding on to Jesus. I really do pray that by His grace and mercy, i would be able to do well for my modules and simply just give me abounding strength to carry on even with tomorrow's work.