081114

Again and again.
Taking time off just to accompany you and do your stuff and make you feel like the end of the work week had a fruitful closure. I could never fully be a relaxed state throughout the night, even while watching the movie I kept worrying about the project deadlines and finals and every freaking Damn thing school is throwing at me. I honestly am super weary and running on fumes. But if running on fumes was necessary to make your day and week better, seeing you just relaxing and enjoying the night. I guess it was worth it. Well, I guess I just have to sacrifice my sleep to repay back the time. I really needed to do it today. The pressure is really crushing me and I just wanted to be in a situation where my blood isn't rushing to my head. I just wanted my mind to be blank. Yea it was probably more important to me than you ever thought it was. I was really upset, really fuming deep inside for no apparent logical reason. For someone logical, to be this irrational makes me irk myself.

Right now I'm transcending between the point of just praying the days go by in a blur, just take me out of this misery. I'm truly exhausted, but I can't show it. No no I can't indeed. Time to get back to work. Wasted enough time typing this entirely pointless blog post. The only hint of comfort it gives is letting me pen it all down. There goes the frustration, hello tiredness...

Helpless

Tonight was one of the toughest night of my life to get through. Hands down.

As I lie reading your post about your dad, honestly it didn't really get to me at that very moment. But as I read it once through again and now for the third time right before I am typing this post at 2.03am after saying goodnight to you while you sleepaway (hope you are soundly asleep) , waves of helplessness comes crashing down. It's impossible to say I can even remotely understand what you are going through or even went through the past 21 years of your life. In fact, I wouldn't say it because I simply didn't live such a life. The pain and anguish and hope that I feel in multifold would most likely still pale in comparison to how you are feeling. It pains me to no ends when you ask if I wanted to see your dad's photo, a part of me wanted to and the other didn't, not that I don't want to, but I saw through the desperation in your eyes to glimpse a look at the man who left when you were 3. To see the woman I love with my entire heart being like that rips me apart inside.

I honestly have no clue why your daddy left, and I know for far too long have you tried to suppress your feelings. Tonight was also the night I saw all your brothers in a different light, from a guy's point of view, having your daddy pull the plug in your life is such a crippling effect. A daughter needs her daddy, but so much more does a son. A son looks up to his daddy as his hero, afterall his hands were the ones who steered him the right direction growing up. How can a boy pass through into adulthood normally without his dad, the entire initiation to manhood is simply lost.

God the Father is indeed the perfect one, and all I ask is for Him to grant you a chance to reunite with your dad, the last I hope for is for our kids in future to hear from their mummy that she can't remember how her daddy looks like. No. I pray for the mercy that our child and their mum doesn't have to have that conversation. But in the meantime, all I can do Is my part to bridge you and my parents together, that in my dad can you call as your dad, that my father would see you more than just a future daughter in law but his daughter.

To my sweet sweet princess, I am always here beside you.