Thoughts

It's starting to get depressing when I see friends go overseas with their girlfriend. I'm caught in between. One half of me knows that being a christian means not doing certain things until the right time. That includes going overseas alone with your partner. It's definitely good and all, but all that waiting is frustrating.

The other me just wants to be like every other couple out there. Going overseas together doesn't mean something will happen. Why is it that the church and as Christians we seemingly HAVE TO play by these guidelines. As if God will say such a relationship is more holy than the non Christians.

I deliberate between unfollowing those friends on instagram, and to like their photos to be happy for them. It honestly sucks to see such lovey dovey photos, them enjoying time together before the woes of school kicks in. This small window of zero worries about schoolwork is so precious. Yet here I am, each day passing by with the window closing in. Worst 9 months break. Rather school just started in January, so many months but nothing out of it. Is it too much to ask for? I love you God, but some days I just find all these christian scrutiny plain ridiculous.

So God, any words you want to whisper into my heart?

25th June 2014

It's quite annoying when I scroll through instagram and see photos of friends going on staycation, short getaway holidays, spending couple time together. Most of them just started dating not too long as well.

And then there's us. Unable to post a photo of us together, unable to go overseas together, stuck in Singapore. The talk yesterday wasn't supposed to happen. I hate paydays, it always remind me of this shackles I'm in. Ahhh stupid weather's not helping either. The rain should have come at night.

Midweek rant.

16th June 2014

Rather be.

I rather get knocked down by a car, hit by a falling Claypot, cut by a knife, slashed by a bear, punched in the face all at once than to feel this dagger plunged into my heart that can't seem to be removed.

It's been a really long time since I know how much ache my heart could take. Your words cut right in. Hearing you say the possibility of you suppressing your feelings and eventually having none at all left really stabbed me good.

So it's true I guess, no matter how much 2 are in love with each other, given enough time, they grow distance. Strangers again. High time I woke up from this "truth".

But after all of that, I still choose you. No meeting up even though I badly want to, looks like nightly calls would be something I deeply cherish from now onwards. Even if I'm exhausted from studies, still bearing this excitement of hearing your voice each night to make my day better.

If this is the best way I could protect and love you, so be it. I am willing.

14th June 2014

1 or 2. Each has its merits. A year from now I doubt I will barely remember what's keeping me on this page at this time in such an exhausted state.

Sleep. Sleep is the best reward.

Epiphany

Can't really explain why or how or when it dawned upon me. But when events in my life or things that seemingly affect me a lot are put into a longer time period, they seem like such small matters all of a sudden. In 50 years time, I will hardly remember what I got so anxious/angry/worried/scared about at the present moment. Not exactly sure if it's good or bad yet, but somehow just have a nagging feeling I will be less excited about events in my life. Mehh.. One day at a time. (: